Yesterday, after each of us had GRUELING, and extended days, John and I finally sat down together at about 8pm to eat dinner, unwind, and watch the NCAA game. We chatted here and there- especially during the commercials, lol, and got reacquainted from our day apart. We drank wine and looked through some recent pictures we took of ourselves, friends and family… We played with the dogs and talked about our plans for the morning and work… and it just felt like home to be doing that with him; to be ending my day just talking over a glass of wine with him. John and I talk a lot, you see- usually for hours at a time- about everything and nothing. We do that so often, in fact, that it’s almost beginning to feel like part of my daily routine. Get up, check. Shower and get ready for work, check. Work, go to school, etc, get home, un-wind, check. Talk to John, check- and THEN I can actually go to sleep, lol.
I suppose some people read a few pages in their current novel to begin shutting themselves down for the night. Others watch TV, or a movie… we talk. Whether on the phone or in person doesn’t usually matter, although of course I have a preference, lol, but it’s really just the sound of his voice that gets me, calms me, and makes me feel like I’ve lived a complete day.
And isn’t it a funny thing, how even after a brief allotted amount of time, someone can work their way into not only your heart, but your day to day life- if you’re open to it? And that makes me ponder further… if we’re open to it, how many people and in how many ways can others truly grab hold to the sustenance of our lives? I was open to letting John into mine because I felt a connection to him, and he’s been continually earning and deepening my trust for him- the same way I’ve let most others in. Family of course, remains something you’re generally born into, but the friends and significant others we share our lives with represent a significantly different side to our personalities. (Not always of better value or higher importance, but still, a different side.) Sometimes, perhaps, even a truer one because they become a representation of what we’re actually attracted to, or need in order to achieve fulfillment in one way, shape or another. We are not forced to maintain a romantic relationship or a friendship if we deem it poisonous or lackluster. We, in fact, have the power to terminate said relationships at any point in time.
And while it’s true that no one can, likewise, force you to have interaction with your family or a specific member of it; it’s harder to abolish relations if any sense of generalized family ties remain there. Sometimes we can learn to cope with infrequent visits with a family member we simply can’t seem to see things eye to eye with, or we keep conversational topics general, and to the point, etc.
But when specifically singling people out to be a best friend, a partner, a co-parent, a confidant, we put ourselves and vulnerability on the line to either establish, and nurture a 50-50 relationship, or we learn that while we thought there was a possibility to establish one, it in fact can not be achieved and we dismiss and dissolve it.
I choose to be John’s significant other the same way he chooses to be mine. We choose to be vulnerable and honest… we conscientiously try to remain consistent in our reciprocations… And because we chose those decisions, we’ve embedded our characters into the fabrics of each other’s lives. His touch puts me at ease, his thoughts stimulate me, and his soul ignites something inside of me.
His voice? Apparently that puts me to sleep, lol. (But that’s a very good thing to me.) ;)
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sometimes I Can Be SUCH A Girl...
So last night while laying next to John we started playfully throwing out ideas for Halloween costumes. (Yes, we do realize that the holiday is a ways off, but it’s a favorite of both of ours.) Continuing… he threw out the idea of accumulating a group of friends to all go as members of The Wizard of Oz. He said he’d be the Scarecrow, I’d be Dorothy, and we continued laughing through the list of plausible friends we knew of to take on the roles of the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, etc… Then I threw out that if there was another attractive woman in our group that we could even include the Good Witch character. (I was thinking along the lines of if one of his buddies had a date for the evening or spouse/girlfriend.) His nearly immediate suggestion? Linda- a woman he had begun spending time with and almost started dating before he met and began a relationship with me. (I ended up snatching him up first, you see. Lol.)
And about as quick as he was to throw out her name, (which in actuality I know he meant nothing by) I was as quick to feel a jealous pinch. Linda in fact, IS a very pretty woman, and friends with many of John’s friends, and John. She would be going to the annual Halloween party this year just as she had done in the past; she’s blonde so she would naturally look the part even… yet, in spite of all the previously listed justifications, I felt jealous… over a woman I’d never met, that really John never even went on a date with. Whaaa???!!!
I mean SERIOUSLY! That makes absolutely no sense. She’s not an ex, nothing uncomfortable has ever happened, I’ve never even met her; she’s just a friend of John’s that never did a dang thing wrong, and of course, neither did John.
I lay in bed last night reflecting in between John’s “less than gentle” snores. I couldn’t let it go. Not the initial jealousy- once I gave myself just 30 seconds to think about the actual situation, I wasn’t jealous, but I had to figure out why I was FEELING jealous. I sincerely believe myself to have good self esteem- not perfect, who realistically does-right? But I believe myself to have GOOD self esteem, nonetheless. I think I’m attractive, I take time to do things I enjoy; I know I’m intelligent, loyal and hard working. Sometimes I’m even funny… ba dum bum bum. (Insert drum retort that always follows a bad joke here.)
Do I think John would ever cheat on me? No, if I did, I wouldn’t be dating him and I know his character. He is a sincerely good person, and although not perfect, as again, none of us are, he is a person of honor and dignity, and I know that he respects both himself and I.
Am I worried that I’m not pretty enough for him, or not exciting enough? I think I fair all right in the looks department-imperfections and all, and I sing in a rock band, lol. Of course I’m not boring…
Then I got to digging a bit deeper emotionally. Do I have a fear of abandonment… do I have a fear of being unlovable?
And then it hit home…And this folks, may be the hardest blog I have written yet. It’s recently come up, several times, between some close friends whom truly know me, that I give off this “tough chick” vibe on my exterior. I honestly had been unaware of it, but after having them point it out, or agree to that summary after I brought it up to them, I’ve been more conscious of it. You see, underneath whatever thin shell of a “toughened” exterior I present myself to have, is a very sensitive person. It’s easy for me to empathize- not just sympathize, with others. I beat myself up if I don’t feel like I’m doing enough for others- even strangers. I pray for everyone in the world at night- not just my loved ones. I feel sad when I see road kill, wondering if the animal has any family that is missing them… I have anxiety almost constantly from my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- my hands sweat pretty much all the time so I hate shaking hands, lol. I can’t watch war movies because I feel so bad for the victims in the production-whether it’s a true story or not- that I always end up in tears. I’m afraid of the dark, and really hate sleeping alone because the "quiet" sounds just too vacant to be comforting in any sense of the word for me.
So I guess the “tough chick” exterior was a subconscious defense mechanism I developed over the years. While I AM fiercely strong, and very independent, I am likewise human, flawed and insecure as a result of my own emotional baggage. I’m just like you and every other person out there- not so very tough after all. And I guess last night added a bit more humility to my “tough chick” exterior… Because I learned that I am still affected by events of my childhood, my past love lives, and my own personal experiences.
I’m afraid of having someone I love leave because every time that’s happened, I’ve taken it personally I guess, lol. I’m afraid of loving someone that will end up no longer desiring me, and choosing someone else, because some small part of me wonders if anyone is capable of loving me forever, as the entire- somewhat flawed, and definitely imperfect- whole package that I am.
So, it would appear, dear readers, that I have some work to do, because I’m human after all. And that’s really not a bad thing because as bad or useless or unjustifiable as our insecurities may be, it’s still better to recognize them and begin addressing them than to let them continue to disillusion each of us as to what we are and aren’t worth. May we all begin to recognize our real self worth. :)
And about as quick as he was to throw out her name, (which in actuality I know he meant nothing by) I was as quick to feel a jealous pinch. Linda in fact, IS a very pretty woman, and friends with many of John’s friends, and John. She would be going to the annual Halloween party this year just as she had done in the past; she’s blonde so she would naturally look the part even… yet, in spite of all the previously listed justifications, I felt jealous… over a woman I’d never met, that really John never even went on a date with. Whaaa???!!!
I mean SERIOUSLY! That makes absolutely no sense. She’s not an ex, nothing uncomfortable has ever happened, I’ve never even met her; she’s just a friend of John’s that never did a dang thing wrong, and of course, neither did John.
I lay in bed last night reflecting in between John’s “less than gentle” snores. I couldn’t let it go. Not the initial jealousy- once I gave myself just 30 seconds to think about the actual situation, I wasn’t jealous, but I had to figure out why I was FEELING jealous. I sincerely believe myself to have good self esteem- not perfect, who realistically does-right? But I believe myself to have GOOD self esteem, nonetheless. I think I’m attractive, I take time to do things I enjoy; I know I’m intelligent, loyal and hard working. Sometimes I’m even funny… ba dum bum bum. (Insert drum retort that always follows a bad joke here.)
Do I think John would ever cheat on me? No, if I did, I wouldn’t be dating him and I know his character. He is a sincerely good person, and although not perfect, as again, none of us are, he is a person of honor and dignity, and I know that he respects both himself and I.
Am I worried that I’m not pretty enough for him, or not exciting enough? I think I fair all right in the looks department-imperfections and all, and I sing in a rock band, lol. Of course I’m not boring…
Then I got to digging a bit deeper emotionally. Do I have a fear of abandonment… do I have a fear of being unlovable?
And then it hit home…And this folks, may be the hardest blog I have written yet. It’s recently come up, several times, between some close friends whom truly know me, that I give off this “tough chick” vibe on my exterior. I honestly had been unaware of it, but after having them point it out, or agree to that summary after I brought it up to them, I’ve been more conscious of it. You see, underneath whatever thin shell of a “toughened” exterior I present myself to have, is a very sensitive person. It’s easy for me to empathize- not just sympathize, with others. I beat myself up if I don’t feel like I’m doing enough for others- even strangers. I pray for everyone in the world at night- not just my loved ones. I feel sad when I see road kill, wondering if the animal has any family that is missing them… I have anxiety almost constantly from my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- my hands sweat pretty much all the time so I hate shaking hands, lol. I can’t watch war movies because I feel so bad for the victims in the production-whether it’s a true story or not- that I always end up in tears. I’m afraid of the dark, and really hate sleeping alone because the "quiet" sounds just too vacant to be comforting in any sense of the word for me.
So I guess the “tough chick” exterior was a subconscious defense mechanism I developed over the years. While I AM fiercely strong, and very independent, I am likewise human, flawed and insecure as a result of my own emotional baggage. I’m just like you and every other person out there- not so very tough after all. And I guess last night added a bit more humility to my “tough chick” exterior… Because I learned that I am still affected by events of my childhood, my past love lives, and my own personal experiences.
I’m afraid of having someone I love leave because every time that’s happened, I’ve taken it personally I guess, lol. I’m afraid of loving someone that will end up no longer desiring me, and choosing someone else, because some small part of me wonders if anyone is capable of loving me forever, as the entire- somewhat flawed, and definitely imperfect- whole package that I am.
So, it would appear, dear readers, that I have some work to do, because I’m human after all. And that’s really not a bad thing because as bad or useless or unjustifiable as our insecurities may be, it’s still better to recognize them and begin addressing them than to let them continue to disillusion each of us as to what we are and aren’t worth. May we all begin to recognize our real self worth. :)
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
When Newness is Lost
As we grow older and obtain additional life experience, it's no wonder that the "newness" associated to things finds a ways to slip between the cracks of life. Your VERY first kiss, from possibly YEARS ago- in comparison to your first kiss with someone you've just started seeing recently. Your first love or surprise birthday party, vs. your seventh “love” and tenth surprise birthday party, lol.
Although I think it’s fair to say that the initial luster may not continually withstand the test of time, perhaps if we're open enough to it, the message will. Even if you don’t marry the first love of your life, chances are, you will love again. And even though you may not feel the same intensity as you did with your primary “puppy love,” sometimes the love you create with, and for a subsequent partner ends up providing you the most rewards and duration because you may have been fortunate enough to meet someone that truly compliments you and someone to sincerely grow with throughout the span of your lifetime.
My first marriage, for example had the “newness” that this blog refers to. I was so excited to be engaged and moving in together with Mike. I was deliriously happy thinking that, as long as I was a good wife, everything would work out. We’d have a beautiful home that always smelled of good things to eat, and all our dogs running out back with the children we’d planned to have. I imagined Mike and I having couple nights with friends and hiring babysitters to allot us the occasional (and by that point, much needed) date night. It was intense; it was new; but it wasn’t lasting, and frankly, it wasn’t fair. Never before my divorce did I realize how important finding a true PARTNER was to me. And by partner I don’t simply mean a significant other, but rather someone to share the good with, and mutually split the less than perfect with.
And even with the complete mess of my first, failed marriage JUST behind me, I think ahead to when I will once again experience engagement and moving in with a partner, and marriage, a house, and someday children. Not that I’m in a rush for those commitments, but that maybe the next time I experience these things, the newness will be gone a little… after all, I can honestly say that I have NO desire to ever have a large wedding again- the costs and planning just will never be worth it to me- nor will wearing an uncomfortable, poofy dress I’d only wear once that requires a multitude of complex, and somewhat cruel, under garments, lol. But, likewise, maybe the message will have survived…maybe MY message will have finally reached not only SOMEone, but the RIGHT one for me.
If life works out that way, then I’ll know I was one of the fortunate people to meet someone that truly compliments me, whom I can sincerely grow throughout the span of my lifetime with.
Although I think it’s fair to say that the initial luster may not continually withstand the test of time, perhaps if we're open enough to it, the message will. Even if you don’t marry the first love of your life, chances are, you will love again. And even though you may not feel the same intensity as you did with your primary “puppy love,” sometimes the love you create with, and for a subsequent partner ends up providing you the most rewards and duration because you may have been fortunate enough to meet someone that truly compliments you and someone to sincerely grow with throughout the span of your lifetime.
My first marriage, for example had the “newness” that this blog refers to. I was so excited to be engaged and moving in together with Mike. I was deliriously happy thinking that, as long as I was a good wife, everything would work out. We’d have a beautiful home that always smelled of good things to eat, and all our dogs running out back with the children we’d planned to have. I imagined Mike and I having couple nights with friends and hiring babysitters to allot us the occasional (and by that point, much needed) date night. It was intense; it was new; but it wasn’t lasting, and frankly, it wasn’t fair. Never before my divorce did I realize how important finding a true PARTNER was to me. And by partner I don’t simply mean a significant other, but rather someone to share the good with, and mutually split the less than perfect with.
And even with the complete mess of my first, failed marriage JUST behind me, I think ahead to when I will once again experience engagement and moving in with a partner, and marriage, a house, and someday children. Not that I’m in a rush for those commitments, but that maybe the next time I experience these things, the newness will be gone a little… after all, I can honestly say that I have NO desire to ever have a large wedding again- the costs and planning just will never be worth it to me- nor will wearing an uncomfortable, poofy dress I’d only wear once that requires a multitude of complex, and somewhat cruel, under garments, lol. But, likewise, maybe the message will have survived…maybe MY message will have finally reached not only SOMEone, but the RIGHT one for me.
If life works out that way, then I’ll know I was one of the fortunate people to meet someone that truly compliments me, whom I can sincerely grow throughout the span of my lifetime with.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Grey Zone
I love the fact that all I smell is spring in the air and the freshly brewed coffee that John made for me before work this morning. What an aromatic combination. I just got off the phone with an acupuncture clinic. Slight change in subject, I’m aware, lol.
To back track, I was diagnosed with the very over-categorized and vaguely descriptive disease called Fibromyalgia in 2006. While you can Google, or WebMD this to your satisfaction, for me this disease/name means the following:
1. Problems sleeping
2. Problems with my eyes being dry
3. “Fibro Fog” which is essentially when I get easily confused, turned around and forgetful. Concentration becomes difficult even, but I only experience this symptom on the especially bad days.
4. Wide spread pain across my entire body that is a mix of a burning feeling and stabbing pain.
5. Numbness and tingling in my arms, hands, legs and feet.
6. Constant hip and lower back pain
7. (Again, limited to the bad days) Difficulty finding the strength to perform simple motor functions such as raising my arms above my head to bathe or brush my hair.
8. Dizzy spells
9. Digestive problems that have set in more recently that, as a result, have had me lose 10 lbs from my normal weight.
Over the past four years I have visited my primary physician, a pain specialist, a muscular skeletal specialist, a chiropractor, an orthopedic surgeon and a neurologist. I had 4 MRI’s performed, steroid injections, a slew of blood work and x-rays… and all of the doctors gave me the same answer… "We don’t know what’s wrong with you specifically, so it’s probably Fibromyalgia." The MOST frustrating thing with this disease is that it’s not definitive. There’s no test for it except the process of elimination from all the other symptomatic diseases out there. Plus half the medical world doesn’t believe it exists because the symptoms vary from person to person and the list of symptoms is nearly as inclusive as a frat house is to college women. Everything’s free to join.
So, no one can tell me exactly why this started, how to treat it, and half the people in the world think I’m making it up, lol. Not a great place to be when you’re already in pain. But, nonetheless, I’ve continued to live with it. I go to work, and pursue my hobbies and social obligations… for the most part, my condition doesn’t interfere enough to stop me, but it is frustrating. Yesterday, for example, I woke up and was immediately stiff. I didn’t sleep well, and as I started getting ready for the day (mind you, MY getting ready is nothing exciting… we’re talking a shower, getting dressed, brushing my teeth and hair and slapping on some light make up) but I literally broke down into a sob of tears when bending over to grab my shampoo off the shower floor.
John was upstairs making coffee or taking care of the dogs and didn’t hear me, which was good as I’m not a fan of crying in front of people, but there it was. This stabbing, shooting pain and then the frustration of knowing it’ll come and go as it pleases and that nothing I do really seems to help and no one seems to have any viable solutions for me. I can take prescription doses of pain relievers that merely take the edge off… I can get massages that help short term and cost roughly $80 a pop… I’ve tried the anti-inflammatory medications, the muscle relaxers, even the anti depressants, but I’m not inflamed because I didn’t do anything to my body to cause it to be inflamed… Muscle relaxers are no long term solution unless I want to just lie in bed my whole life, unable to drive, and I’m not depressed, lol. It’s like treating an eating disorder with eye drops because no one can think of what else to do, lol.
So, I’m giving this place a shot. I’m giving holistic medicine, and acupuncture a chance because I frankly need one too. Some people tell me that Fibromyalgia doesn’t exist… maybe it’s those same people claiming that acupuncture is a bunch of bologna. And maybe it is, but I’ve decided it’s worth it to me to make up my own educated opinion on the matter.
And to those people out there that think Fibromyalgia is a made up disease... well, yes it’s true that too many things are being put into this one large category- I can even agree with that, but I know that when I wake up from a sound sleep wincing or even crying in pain, that I’m not making it up. I know that when I merely bend over to grab something or try to walk normally and I can’t because of the excruciating physical pain, I’m not making it up. I LOVE my active life- I love doing things and being independent and I HATE feeling limited to what my muscles and joints feel like doing that day. This is no cry for sympathy, woe is me story, or anything of the like; I have a great life and I’m blessed in SO many ways. I’m just asking people to acknowledge that maybe there are conditions out there we just don’t know enough about yet to have better solutions for. And until we do, to just be open to the possibilities.
There is so much more to life- than black or white… keep it loose child… keep it tight.
To back track, I was diagnosed with the very over-categorized and vaguely descriptive disease called Fibromyalgia in 2006. While you can Google, or WebMD this to your satisfaction, for me this disease/name means the following:
1. Problems sleeping
2. Problems with my eyes being dry
3. “Fibro Fog” which is essentially when I get easily confused, turned around and forgetful. Concentration becomes difficult even, but I only experience this symptom on the especially bad days.
4. Wide spread pain across my entire body that is a mix of a burning feeling and stabbing pain.
5. Numbness and tingling in my arms, hands, legs and feet.
6. Constant hip and lower back pain
7. (Again, limited to the bad days) Difficulty finding the strength to perform simple motor functions such as raising my arms above my head to bathe or brush my hair.
8. Dizzy spells
9. Digestive problems that have set in more recently that, as a result, have had me lose 10 lbs from my normal weight.
Over the past four years I have visited my primary physician, a pain specialist, a muscular skeletal specialist, a chiropractor, an orthopedic surgeon and a neurologist. I had 4 MRI’s performed, steroid injections, a slew of blood work and x-rays… and all of the doctors gave me the same answer… "We don’t know what’s wrong with you specifically, so it’s probably Fibromyalgia." The MOST frustrating thing with this disease is that it’s not definitive. There’s no test for it except the process of elimination from all the other symptomatic diseases out there. Plus half the medical world doesn’t believe it exists because the symptoms vary from person to person and the list of symptoms is nearly as inclusive as a frat house is to college women. Everything’s free to join.
So, no one can tell me exactly why this started, how to treat it, and half the people in the world think I’m making it up, lol. Not a great place to be when you’re already in pain. But, nonetheless, I’ve continued to live with it. I go to work, and pursue my hobbies and social obligations… for the most part, my condition doesn’t interfere enough to stop me, but it is frustrating. Yesterday, for example, I woke up and was immediately stiff. I didn’t sleep well, and as I started getting ready for the day (mind you, MY getting ready is nothing exciting… we’re talking a shower, getting dressed, brushing my teeth and hair and slapping on some light make up) but I literally broke down into a sob of tears when bending over to grab my shampoo off the shower floor.
John was upstairs making coffee or taking care of the dogs and didn’t hear me, which was good as I’m not a fan of crying in front of people, but there it was. This stabbing, shooting pain and then the frustration of knowing it’ll come and go as it pleases and that nothing I do really seems to help and no one seems to have any viable solutions for me. I can take prescription doses of pain relievers that merely take the edge off… I can get massages that help short term and cost roughly $80 a pop… I’ve tried the anti-inflammatory medications, the muscle relaxers, even the anti depressants, but I’m not inflamed because I didn’t do anything to my body to cause it to be inflamed… Muscle relaxers are no long term solution unless I want to just lie in bed my whole life, unable to drive, and I’m not depressed, lol. It’s like treating an eating disorder with eye drops because no one can think of what else to do, lol.
So, I’m giving this place a shot. I’m giving holistic medicine, and acupuncture a chance because I frankly need one too. Some people tell me that Fibromyalgia doesn’t exist… maybe it’s those same people claiming that acupuncture is a bunch of bologna. And maybe it is, but I’ve decided it’s worth it to me to make up my own educated opinion on the matter.
And to those people out there that think Fibromyalgia is a made up disease... well, yes it’s true that too many things are being put into this one large category- I can even agree with that, but I know that when I wake up from a sound sleep wincing or even crying in pain, that I’m not making it up. I know that when I merely bend over to grab something or try to walk normally and I can’t because of the excruciating physical pain, I’m not making it up. I LOVE my active life- I love doing things and being independent and I HATE feeling limited to what my muscles and joints feel like doing that day. This is no cry for sympathy, woe is me story, or anything of the like; I have a great life and I’m blessed in SO many ways. I’m just asking people to acknowledge that maybe there are conditions out there we just don’t know enough about yet to have better solutions for. And until we do, to just be open to the possibilities.
There is so much more to life- than black or white… keep it loose child… keep it tight.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Spring Gets Me Thinking...
What is it about spring time that gets me so reflective? It gets me thinking about just about everything and my head begins to swim in a pool of endless possibilities. I think about my career- am I really happy doing what I’m doing? Honestly, I feel a bit underutilized- I wish there was more I could be doing for my company, and also (because I still currently lack my degree) I'm not making the money I wish I was. However, I’m currently in school full time pursuing my Bachelor’s in Business so I can put that thought somewhat to rest, reasonably assured that I will graduate and find a more challenging position with comparable pay. I sincerely hope it will be within my current company that I’ve worked on and off at for several years now, but I find doubt in that hope. I think my needs, drive and desires will quickly exceed the benefits to my current employer and yet the thought of going elsewhere is a bit intimidating. What if I don’t like the people I work with or the hours…? I currently love the company and co-workers I have now- can anyone or anything else quite compare? Lol.
But, likewise, are those factors enough to deter me from taking the chance of TRYING for something (possibly) better? Sigh.
I think about my band. I’ve been with my current group for just over three years now and while I adore the four other members, the time commitments currently have me wondering if I can keep committing to them. (Currently we practice every weekend and try to play out as much as we can. I think a once a month show and twice a month practice is about as much as I can honestly handle right now... I wonder how the others will feel.)
I know too, in my heart, that I could always start up a two person acoustic something or other, and that would make it easier to practice, learn music, play or practice on a whim, etc, but would that be enough? Would I miss the full band, five piece sound and the rock music that could only be accomplished but such a group? Or would having weekends and a fair amount of weeknight time freed up be enough?
My living situation… Since Samuel and I broke up, I moved back home with my parents. Yes, I am 26, a bit defeated, and living at home, lol, but in the same sense, doing so has allowed me to pay off nearly all of my debts from my divorce, and the longer I stay there, the more money I’ll be able to save for my next choice in housing. However, is it worth it to live with my parents and be saving roughly a thousand dollars a month to trade in many of the freedoms I became so accustomed to by having my own place; by having my own house at one point even? Is it, likewise, worth it to spend roughly a thousand dollars a month in rent just to live alone or with a roommate I’d hope to cohabitate nicely with, at best? Should I spend the money on rent to have convenience today, or save it to someday afford my own place in which to nurture equity from?
Do I sacrifice today for what benefits tomorrow might bring, or "carpe diem" and figure out the rest later? Here in lies my confliction. By habit, I’ve always chosen the “sacrifice now” lifestyle but that hasn’t necessarily gotten me very far either. My divorce pretty much wiped out the majority of achievements I’d made. I’m no longer married, no house, the freedom with money is ALMOST back… could this perhaps be a sign that I need to change the method with which I live my life?
If I did indeed seize the day, what would I change? I’d finish school, offer my current company the opportunity to keep me and see what additional responsibilities I could take on, but be comfortable and CONFIDENT in exploring other options if we were no longer good fits for each other. I’d try to renegotiate my time commitments with my current band so that I had some additional free time to study. Currently, I work full time, go to school full time, am a committee member on one charity, working with yet ANOTHER charity, and I sing in the band... this in addition to seeing friends or John (the new squeeze, lol) leave me very little time to, well...? BREATHE almost, sometimes... and it stinks being so busy, and rushed, and TIRED all the time, but that almost starts me at a completely separate rant- the one about me being an overachieving, burning the candle at both ends- don't really NEED to drink coffee, but do just because I love it, type of individual. Lol.
Back to the topic at hand... I’d pay off the very last of my debt and stay long enough with my parents to get a small saving’s account going, but perhaps put a limit on my time there. Maybe even I should just say that by the end of this year I should plan to have enough money set aside to be out on my own- with or without a roommate.
And then I wonder even further in relation to my predicament, and I ask myself, am I really in such a different place than so many others in my generation? We seem to be a mix of spoiled brats with no work ethic, the rarely seen- fully developed- members that are out there succeeding to their full extent in the world and content with their lives, and then MY group… the one’s almost held in limbo by the fear of failure. Why is failure such a bad thing and why is my group so afraid of it? I mean, don't we grow and learn from failure? Isn’t failure a healthy part to our existence in that it can give us new opportunity, and humility? Is it because we watched our parents fail and vowed never to repeat their mistakes that we're afraid? Is it because our parents were too hard on us and we are secretly still burdened by the fear of letting them down? Do we carry excess baggage from our own, already made, poor choices (ahem, my ex husband), or are we afraid of the rejection that failure is often accompanied by?
I’ve been told “no, I’m sorry, it’s me- not you, it’s you- not me, this isn’t working, you’re not meeting expectations... etc.” so having heard the slew of let downs that I already have, why am I letting them stop me now? I survived, obviously… so they surely won’t kill me… lol. I guess my fear mostly lies in letting those I care about- that I’ve made a commitment to, down, and also by not being the best I can be. Ironic that it would appear I’m the only one holding myself back then, I suppose.
Interesting…
But, likewise, are those factors enough to deter me from taking the chance of TRYING for something (possibly) better? Sigh.
I think about my band. I’ve been with my current group for just over three years now and while I adore the four other members, the time commitments currently have me wondering if I can keep committing to them. (Currently we practice every weekend and try to play out as much as we can. I think a once a month show and twice a month practice is about as much as I can honestly handle right now... I wonder how the others will feel.)
I know too, in my heart, that I could always start up a two person acoustic something or other, and that would make it easier to practice, learn music, play or practice on a whim, etc, but would that be enough? Would I miss the full band, five piece sound and the rock music that could only be accomplished but such a group? Or would having weekends and a fair amount of weeknight time freed up be enough?
My living situation… Since Samuel and I broke up, I moved back home with my parents. Yes, I am 26, a bit defeated, and living at home, lol, but in the same sense, doing so has allowed me to pay off nearly all of my debts from my divorce, and the longer I stay there, the more money I’ll be able to save for my next choice in housing. However, is it worth it to live with my parents and be saving roughly a thousand dollars a month to trade in many of the freedoms I became so accustomed to by having my own place; by having my own house at one point even? Is it, likewise, worth it to spend roughly a thousand dollars a month in rent just to live alone or with a roommate I’d hope to cohabitate nicely with, at best? Should I spend the money on rent to have convenience today, or save it to someday afford my own place in which to nurture equity from?
Do I sacrifice today for what benefits tomorrow might bring, or "carpe diem" and figure out the rest later? Here in lies my confliction. By habit, I’ve always chosen the “sacrifice now” lifestyle but that hasn’t necessarily gotten me very far either. My divorce pretty much wiped out the majority of achievements I’d made. I’m no longer married, no house, the freedom with money is ALMOST back… could this perhaps be a sign that I need to change the method with which I live my life?
If I did indeed seize the day, what would I change? I’d finish school, offer my current company the opportunity to keep me and see what additional responsibilities I could take on, but be comfortable and CONFIDENT in exploring other options if we were no longer good fits for each other. I’d try to renegotiate my time commitments with my current band so that I had some additional free time to study. Currently, I work full time, go to school full time, am a committee member on one charity, working with yet ANOTHER charity, and I sing in the band... this in addition to seeing friends or John (the new squeeze, lol) leave me very little time to, well...? BREATHE almost, sometimes... and it stinks being so busy, and rushed, and TIRED all the time, but that almost starts me at a completely separate rant- the one about me being an overachieving, burning the candle at both ends- don't really NEED to drink coffee, but do just because I love it, type of individual. Lol.
Back to the topic at hand... I’d pay off the very last of my debt and stay long enough with my parents to get a small saving’s account going, but perhaps put a limit on my time there. Maybe even I should just say that by the end of this year I should plan to have enough money set aside to be out on my own- with or without a roommate.
And then I wonder even further in relation to my predicament, and I ask myself, am I really in such a different place than so many others in my generation? We seem to be a mix of spoiled brats with no work ethic, the rarely seen- fully developed- members that are out there succeeding to their full extent in the world and content with their lives, and then MY group… the one’s almost held in limbo by the fear of failure. Why is failure such a bad thing and why is my group so afraid of it? I mean, don't we grow and learn from failure? Isn’t failure a healthy part to our existence in that it can give us new opportunity, and humility? Is it because we watched our parents fail and vowed never to repeat their mistakes that we're afraid? Is it because our parents were too hard on us and we are secretly still burdened by the fear of letting them down? Do we carry excess baggage from our own, already made, poor choices (ahem, my ex husband), or are we afraid of the rejection that failure is often accompanied by?
I’ve been told “no, I’m sorry, it’s me- not you, it’s you- not me, this isn’t working, you’re not meeting expectations... etc.” so having heard the slew of let downs that I already have, why am I letting them stop me now? I survived, obviously… so they surely won’t kill me… lol. I guess my fear mostly lies in letting those I care about- that I’ve made a commitment to, down, and also by not being the best I can be. Ironic that it would appear I’m the only one holding myself back then, I suppose.
Interesting…
Thursday, March 18, 2010
So Much New News
Well, it has been nearly six months since I've posted, and I honestly was surprised to find that I've had 13 views! Woo hoo! Lol.
Please don’t feel disregarded dear readers, however, over the past six months I’ve undergone a plethora of life altering changes, and of course I’ll seize this opportunity to fill you all in. My relationship with Samuel dissolved, first off. I am still involved with Brian, however, it’s becoming increasingly challenging for me to continue to do so.
Last Sunday, for example, I was supposed to pick up Brian after band practice. (FYI, I sing in a rock band) I had texted Samuel that I would be to their place by 2pm, and didn’t see Samuel’s response text until 1:30 when our practice ended a half hour early. It turns out Samuel decided to take Brian to a movie and wouldn’t be back to their home until 3-3:30pm. Since we broke up, I moved out of our shared dwelling, and now live roughly 45 minutes away from the little duplex. I had nothing to do for the two hours until they came back and I was frankly a bit upset that on the day I was supposed to see Brian, Samuel had to take him out to do something that would post pone my time with Brian. I felt like he disregarded any consideration for me by assuming that I’d sit and wait for two hours in my car somewhere because he made a last minute change.
In Samuel’s defense there have been times when I’ve let he and Brian down… life is very hectic and sometimes at the end of my days I lack energy to hardly even get home. As a result, I’ve had to post-pone or reschedule with Brian, and I beat myself up for it inside… so perhaps neither Samuel nor I is perfect, but I hope he realizes he is not the only adult TRYING here. It’s just been completely different since we’ve broken up…
Essentially, our relationship’s demise came down to my asking Samuel to journal for 15 minutes a day. I felt as though I had become his divorce guru and only confidant and it was putting so much pressure on me that I begged him to find an additional outlet. Also, I'd asked him to spend 15 minutes a day researching Brian’s conditions, as Brian had been having some problems in school. I felt so defeated after begging for these two things, for months, without having them be consistently met, that I ended our relationship. And REALLY the most disheartening thing is, neither request was to singularly benefit me, but to help him and his son and as a result, our relationship...
I’m sure Samuel didn’t avoid these things on purpose, but how can you grow with someone you can seemingly never reach?
Maybe it was my lack of communicational skills, or his lack of concentration, who knows, and maybe there is just no real blame to be placed. I am glad we are no longer seeing each other, and I do wish him well, I just also hope a better solution can be comprised so I can still be a part of Brian’s life. Sometimes I feel like we're stuck in this cloud of grey area with no lighthouse in sight with which to guide us out.
In addition to changes in my love life, the biggest change was that my pre-cancerous cells went away. Apparently my body fought the afflicted cells and upon discussing things further with my doctor, I really don’t have to be in QUITE as much of a rush to produce a child. I still WANT one of course, desperately, but there's no longer any rush. Hearing THAT news prompted me to begin pursuing my bachelor's, instead of just being satisfied with my Associate’s. So, I researched some four year schools, and degrees, got in touch with some advisors, submitted an application and currently await my acceptance letter. I should be starting next semester as a Junior with the transfer credits I’ve been told would be accepted. I am THRILLED at the idea of not having to rush my motherhood process, but getting to enjoy it, cherish it, and MAYBE even share it with someone, because now I also have been given some extra time with which to fall in love with the “right for me” man. I am additionally ecstatic by the prospect of having the time to pursue my education to the extent I’d always wanted to. I WILL HAVE A BACHELOR'S!!!!! (In about two years anyhow, lol.)
So, as for where I'm at now? I’m dating John, an older man that is an utter delight in my life in so many ways... Not that everything's perfect by any means, or that we haven’t found some "hot topics" over which to disagree, but the compliment, integrity, humor and willingness to work are all there on both of our parts.
I'm awaiting my official acceptance letter from my 4-year school of choice, thinking that, with or without a man, I will pick up my plans for motherhood once I have my degree in hand, and I promise to be better about blogging on here, as well as to keep it exciting. ;)
Soon.
Please don’t feel disregarded dear readers, however, over the past six months I’ve undergone a plethora of life altering changes, and of course I’ll seize this opportunity to fill you all in. My relationship with Samuel dissolved, first off. I am still involved with Brian, however, it’s becoming increasingly challenging for me to continue to do so.
Last Sunday, for example, I was supposed to pick up Brian after band practice. (FYI, I sing in a rock band) I had texted Samuel that I would be to their place by 2pm, and didn’t see Samuel’s response text until 1:30 when our practice ended a half hour early. It turns out Samuel decided to take Brian to a movie and wouldn’t be back to their home until 3-3:30pm. Since we broke up, I moved out of our shared dwelling, and now live roughly 45 minutes away from the little duplex. I had nothing to do for the two hours until they came back and I was frankly a bit upset that on the day I was supposed to see Brian, Samuel had to take him out to do something that would post pone my time with Brian. I felt like he disregarded any consideration for me by assuming that I’d sit and wait for two hours in my car somewhere because he made a last minute change.
In Samuel’s defense there have been times when I’ve let he and Brian down… life is very hectic and sometimes at the end of my days I lack energy to hardly even get home. As a result, I’ve had to post-pone or reschedule with Brian, and I beat myself up for it inside… so perhaps neither Samuel nor I is perfect, but I hope he realizes he is not the only adult TRYING here. It’s just been completely different since we’ve broken up…
Essentially, our relationship’s demise came down to my asking Samuel to journal for 15 minutes a day. I felt as though I had become his divorce guru and only confidant and it was putting so much pressure on me that I begged him to find an additional outlet. Also, I'd asked him to spend 15 minutes a day researching Brian’s conditions, as Brian had been having some problems in school. I felt so defeated after begging for these two things, for months, without having them be consistently met, that I ended our relationship. And REALLY the most disheartening thing is, neither request was to singularly benefit me, but to help him and his son and as a result, our relationship...
I’m sure Samuel didn’t avoid these things on purpose, but how can you grow with someone you can seemingly never reach?
Maybe it was my lack of communicational skills, or his lack of concentration, who knows, and maybe there is just no real blame to be placed. I am glad we are no longer seeing each other, and I do wish him well, I just also hope a better solution can be comprised so I can still be a part of Brian’s life. Sometimes I feel like we're stuck in this cloud of grey area with no lighthouse in sight with which to guide us out.
In addition to changes in my love life, the biggest change was that my pre-cancerous cells went away. Apparently my body fought the afflicted cells and upon discussing things further with my doctor, I really don’t have to be in QUITE as much of a rush to produce a child. I still WANT one of course, desperately, but there's no longer any rush. Hearing THAT news prompted me to begin pursuing my bachelor's, instead of just being satisfied with my Associate’s. So, I researched some four year schools, and degrees, got in touch with some advisors, submitted an application and currently await my acceptance letter. I should be starting next semester as a Junior with the transfer credits I’ve been told would be accepted. I am THRILLED at the idea of not having to rush my motherhood process, but getting to enjoy it, cherish it, and MAYBE even share it with someone, because now I also have been given some extra time with which to fall in love with the “right for me” man. I am additionally ecstatic by the prospect of having the time to pursue my education to the extent I’d always wanted to. I WILL HAVE A BACHELOR'S!!!!! (In about two years anyhow, lol.)
So, as for where I'm at now? I’m dating John, an older man that is an utter delight in my life in so many ways... Not that everything's perfect by any means, or that we haven’t found some "hot topics" over which to disagree, but the compliment, integrity, humor and willingness to work are all there on both of our parts.
I'm awaiting my official acceptance letter from my 4-year school of choice, thinking that, with or without a man, I will pick up my plans for motherhood once I have my degree in hand, and I promise to be better about blogging on here, as well as to keep it exciting. ;)
Soon.
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