Apparently my family is totally against the idea of me having artificial insemination. I was told by one member that even an awful father was better than no father... I was told by my mother that even if I re-marry and the man takes on the father role to the child that that won't matter because the child won't legally be his... Ugh.
They seem to miss the point entirely. First, there is a time limit to things and secondly, I’m not about to miss out on becoming a parent because the timing of my life doesn’t meet their approval. I feel like this is beyond concern and just down right unsupportive of them, and furthermore, I feel a bit betrayed by my family now.
Yes I do think an ideal situation involves two dedicated and loving parents and that children need role models of both sexes but I do NOT believe that a BAD parent is better than none, simply because of their wanker. I mean, when all is said and done folks, it IS just a penis... the PARENTING is what matters- whether it be from a single mom, happily married dad, friends and family, foster or step-parents, gays, bi's, straits, black white, magenta... it's putting their needs first. Doing whatever you can for the child no matter how ideal or lackluster your situation. It's about being supportive, kind, involved, nurturing, consistent, understanding and it's about unconditional love that inspires you to be all of those things even when you're out of coffee, going on no sleep, with a newborn whom has a stomach ache.
I am prepared for people to have their own opinions, as I do have my own, and realize that occasionally ALL opinions differ or clash... perhaps, just maybe, I hope someone else will find my blog and agree that just because I'm not "coloring inside the lines" doesn't mean I, or my child, am dead in the water... Sigh.
At least I'm still smiling.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Questions...
Last night Samuel and I had a fight. It's been uncommon for us to fight thus far, but still, every once in a while it undeniably happens. It amounted to the age old stereotypes that women want to talk about feelings while men would prefer to discuss sex, I suppose.
I tell him everything. I tell him what's going on, if I'm feeling upset, WHY I fell upset... I leave no emotional stone unturned and he...? Well, he deflects. If I ask him to open up to me, he darts around the question and starts trying to make everything into a joke. It's exhausting. Here he is, bottling everything up inside so that when his emotions DO explode and he is too weakened to pick them up, I alone am expected to... and I get exhausted by that kind of responsibility, but even when he's offered a viable alternative to- instead- just talk things through more regularly to AVOID those emotional explosions, he ignores me. I told him how that made me feel. I told him I felt like I was putting more into the relationship as a result of his unwillingness to express himself and that we were creating a very one sided "emotional" relationship together as a result.
It is not the first time we've had this discussion, by any means, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I don't expect miracles... I do believe in them and always find them to be a pleasant surprise but I do not expect them. I know this will take time but he needs to continue to put in effort to our relationship instead of getting comfortable. Men always seem to do that. Get comfortable. I suppose women do as well...
Women begin to not turn blush red if a little "toot" slips out... they leave their feminine hygiene products out, perhaps they even begin to tweeze their secret mustaches in front of their mate. It seems that the mystery and beauty regimes of a woman fades over time (and no wonder with what most of us put ourselves through each morning just to leave the house, lol). Men seem start out rather fond of their bodily noises so there's really no way for them to accomplish letting those habits worsen, but men seem to instead become emotionally comfortable; They stop buying flowers, they quit telling you how beautiful or attractive they find you. They quit making efforts to get to know you and to bond with you. They plateau emotionally when you've still got all those many years left of growing both together and as an individual and that simply leaves women, feeling abandoned.
Women continue to clean for them, to do their laundry, to cook their meals and for what? (Please do let me also note that YES I am aware that this is not a reflection of all cases, and I do not claim it to be. It IS a stereotype...sometimes.)
Yes, in turn you may be enlightened to the knowledge that a women's "toots" in fact do NOT smell like roses, but we learn that over time we are less desirable and less worth the effort for things that do not always come so naturally to men. The expectations of us do not change but the required maintenance lessens. Funny, machines sometimes have it better. The older a man's car, the more maintenance he puts into it, but the older his wife? ? ?
And I do apologize readers, for this blog. I know not all men treat their significant others this way, and I sincerely love men and find them truly wonderful people… I guess my frustration lies more so in myself right now that I have selected two men in a row to create and pursue a romantic life with, and neither has made a lasting effort for me. And frankly, that just saddens me a bit, so I suppose there is a bitterness to be sensed in my words... I suppose there is even reason for it.
I was feeling rejected by Samuel and left out of his emotions. Instead of silently suffering, as I believe my mother or even HER mother may have done, and I’m persistent in trying to bridge the communicational gaps in my relationships, I confronted him. I told him exactly how I felt, and what I needed from him. He left the room for nearly twenty minutes to think, and then returned, but before he closed his eyes he told me what had been bottling up inside him. Primarily it was his ex wife. He told me how he's angry and hurt by her. To fill you all in, he was married for ten years to a stay at home, spend happy wife who left him for another man... another MARRIED man. He expressed how he felt used and that for all the overtime and 80 hour weeks he worked to give her everything she wanted, he's upset that she betrayed him.
I held Samuel and I thanked him. While it is not easy for ANY of us to open up (yes, even I have problems with it, and I suppose that because of my own struggles with that, I do need to be more empathetic to other’s insecurities with revealing themselves) he over-came that difficulty to open up to me. He did it because he knew I felt bad about not being included with what was going on in that sensitive mind of his. He did it for me.
I thanked him again this morning, several times, before he left for work. While I know this process of sharing will take time and consistency, I want to be sure to nurture it in the meantime to build a level of trust I don't believe he's ever attained with another woman before. I will be open, I will be honest, and I will be tender...
I tell him everything. I tell him what's going on, if I'm feeling upset, WHY I fell upset... I leave no emotional stone unturned and he...? Well, he deflects. If I ask him to open up to me, he darts around the question and starts trying to make everything into a joke. It's exhausting. Here he is, bottling everything up inside so that when his emotions DO explode and he is too weakened to pick them up, I alone am expected to... and I get exhausted by that kind of responsibility, but even when he's offered a viable alternative to- instead- just talk things through more regularly to AVOID those emotional explosions, he ignores me. I told him how that made me feel. I told him I felt like I was putting more into the relationship as a result of his unwillingness to express himself and that we were creating a very one sided "emotional" relationship together as a result.
It is not the first time we've had this discussion, by any means, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I don't expect miracles... I do believe in them and always find them to be a pleasant surprise but I do not expect them. I know this will take time but he needs to continue to put in effort to our relationship instead of getting comfortable. Men always seem to do that. Get comfortable. I suppose women do as well...
Women begin to not turn blush red if a little "toot" slips out... they leave their feminine hygiene products out, perhaps they even begin to tweeze their secret mustaches in front of their mate. It seems that the mystery and beauty regimes of a woman fades over time (and no wonder with what most of us put ourselves through each morning just to leave the house, lol). Men seem start out rather fond of their bodily noises so there's really no way for them to accomplish letting those habits worsen, but men seem to instead become emotionally comfortable; They stop buying flowers, they quit telling you how beautiful or attractive they find you. They quit making efforts to get to know you and to bond with you. They plateau emotionally when you've still got all those many years left of growing both together and as an individual and that simply leaves women, feeling abandoned.
Women continue to clean for them, to do their laundry, to cook their meals and for what? (Please do let me also note that YES I am aware that this is not a reflection of all cases, and I do not claim it to be. It IS a stereotype...sometimes.)
Yes, in turn you may be enlightened to the knowledge that a women's "toots" in fact do NOT smell like roses, but we learn that over time we are less desirable and less worth the effort for things that do not always come so naturally to men. The expectations of us do not change but the required maintenance lessens. Funny, machines sometimes have it better. The older a man's car, the more maintenance he puts into it, but the older his wife? ? ?
And I do apologize readers, for this blog. I know not all men treat their significant others this way, and I sincerely love men and find them truly wonderful people… I guess my frustration lies more so in myself right now that I have selected two men in a row to create and pursue a romantic life with, and neither has made a lasting effort for me. And frankly, that just saddens me a bit, so I suppose there is a bitterness to be sensed in my words... I suppose there is even reason for it.
I was feeling rejected by Samuel and left out of his emotions. Instead of silently suffering, as I believe my mother or even HER mother may have done, and I’m persistent in trying to bridge the communicational gaps in my relationships, I confronted him. I told him exactly how I felt, and what I needed from him. He left the room for nearly twenty minutes to think, and then returned, but before he closed his eyes he told me what had been bottling up inside him. Primarily it was his ex wife. He told me how he's angry and hurt by her. To fill you all in, he was married for ten years to a stay at home, spend happy wife who left him for another man... another MARRIED man. He expressed how he felt used and that for all the overtime and 80 hour weeks he worked to give her everything she wanted, he's upset that she betrayed him.
I held Samuel and I thanked him. While it is not easy for ANY of us to open up (yes, even I have problems with it, and I suppose that because of my own struggles with that, I do need to be more empathetic to other’s insecurities with revealing themselves) he over-came that difficulty to open up to me. He did it because he knew I felt bad about not being included with what was going on in that sensitive mind of his. He did it for me.
I thanked him again this morning, several times, before he left for work. While I know this process of sharing will take time and consistency, I want to be sure to nurture it in the meantime to build a level of trust I don't believe he's ever attained with another woman before. I will be open, I will be honest, and I will be tender...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Where to start...
Hello dear, dear readers...
I wonder if anyone will ever happen to stumble upon my words. :)
I'm excited to find out- I can promise you that!
A little about me...
I am a divorced 26 year old woman. My ex husband was an alcoholic and cheated on me. I have a wonderful boyfriend; I live with him and his son in a quaint lower of a duplex house. My boyfriend is also divorced from a cheating spouse who essentially abandoned all motherly duties to their little boy. I have stepped in (initially as a friend) as a step mother figure to the little boy whom I will call Brian. We also have a dog together, to add yet another man to our house, lol.
To be honest, my BF is kind, his son adorable, and the dog is cute as a button, but I know that there is a long road ahead. Neither Samuel (my chosen alias for my boyfriend) nor I is in a rush to get married... but out of this hodge-podge of broken promises, we have forged a family.
We are nothing more than what we are, and the love we choose to bring home with us each day. And as ideal as I am painting this story to be- because in many ways it is- I am wanting something more; I am wanting a baby. Not one with my boyfriend- too little time had passed in our relationship to have the likes of "forever" mutually shared for sure, but one entirely legally mine. Additionally, I might add that I was diagnosed with some pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. That medical news, mixed with the fact that I was already a high risk for pregnancy (due to three previous miscarriages) has led me to a decision...
I am planning on having artificial insemination towards the end of next year. My family thinks I'm crazy, my boyfriend seems to be at a bit of a loss, and I was in need of a voice. So here I am. I am financially and emotionally ready so please, anyone who disagrees with my choice just keep the nasty comments to yourselves. Feel free to let God judge me instead, eh?
I am gainfully employed at the same company since roughly 2002, have my own insurance, am college educated (and have plans to have my Associate's Degree completed before I'd deliver) and completely ready to give everything I have and am to a child. The only void I have, is having all this extra love to give but no baby to give it to. (I LOVE Brian, but I likewise yearn for the experience of my own child. Brian already has a mom I would never replace- good or bad as she may be. I want to experience the baby years with a child as well. I will not alienate Brian or discipline him differently or pick favorites... I sincerely love him.)
I'm not doing this thinking everything will be perfect, let alone sane, lol... I'm not trying to fit in, or achieve some unattainable dream... I know Samuel and I may someday breakup and that someday my child will ask where their father is... I AM aware ladies and gentlemen, but I am still planning on AI... because, it's what I feel in my heart.
It matters not what lies ahead of us, nor behind... what matters is what lies within us.
I wonder if anyone will ever happen to stumble upon my words. :)
I'm excited to find out- I can promise you that!
A little about me...
I am a divorced 26 year old woman. My ex husband was an alcoholic and cheated on me. I have a wonderful boyfriend; I live with him and his son in a quaint lower of a duplex house. My boyfriend is also divorced from a cheating spouse who essentially abandoned all motherly duties to their little boy. I have stepped in (initially as a friend) as a step mother figure to the little boy whom I will call Brian. We also have a dog together, to add yet another man to our house, lol.
To be honest, my BF is kind, his son adorable, and the dog is cute as a button, but I know that there is a long road ahead. Neither Samuel (my chosen alias for my boyfriend) nor I is in a rush to get married... but out of this hodge-podge of broken promises, we have forged a family.
We are nothing more than what we are, and the love we choose to bring home with us each day. And as ideal as I am painting this story to be- because in many ways it is- I am wanting something more; I am wanting a baby. Not one with my boyfriend- too little time had passed in our relationship to have the likes of "forever" mutually shared for sure, but one entirely legally mine. Additionally, I might add that I was diagnosed with some pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. That medical news, mixed with the fact that I was already a high risk for pregnancy (due to three previous miscarriages) has led me to a decision...
I am planning on having artificial insemination towards the end of next year. My family thinks I'm crazy, my boyfriend seems to be at a bit of a loss, and I was in need of a voice. So here I am. I am financially and emotionally ready so please, anyone who disagrees with my choice just keep the nasty comments to yourselves. Feel free to let God judge me instead, eh?
I am gainfully employed at the same company since roughly 2002, have my own insurance, am college educated (and have plans to have my Associate's Degree completed before I'd deliver) and completely ready to give everything I have and am to a child. The only void I have, is having all this extra love to give but no baby to give it to. (I LOVE Brian, but I likewise yearn for the experience of my own child. Brian already has a mom I would never replace- good or bad as she may be. I want to experience the baby years with a child as well. I will not alienate Brian or discipline him differently or pick favorites... I sincerely love him.)
I'm not doing this thinking everything will be perfect, let alone sane, lol... I'm not trying to fit in, or achieve some unattainable dream... I know Samuel and I may someday breakup and that someday my child will ask where their father is... I AM aware ladies and gentlemen, but I am still planning on AI... because, it's what I feel in my heart.
It matters not what lies ahead of us, nor behind... what matters is what lies within us.
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