Questions...

Last night Samuel and I had a fight. It's been uncommon for us to fight thus far, but still, every once in a while it undeniably happens. It amounted to the age old stereotypes that women want to talk about feelings while men would prefer to discuss sex, I suppose.

I tell him everything. I tell him what's going on, if I'm feeling upset, WHY I fell upset... I leave no emotional stone unturned and he...? Well, he deflects. If I ask him to open up to me, he darts around the question and starts trying to make everything into a joke. It's exhausting. Here he is, bottling everything up inside so that when his emotions DO explode and he is too weakened to pick them up, I alone am expected to... and I get exhausted by that kind of responsibility, but even when he's offered a viable alternative to- instead- just talk things through more regularly to AVOID those emotional explosions, he ignores me. I told him how that made me feel. I told him I felt like I was putting more into the relationship as a result of his unwillingness to express himself and that we were creating a very one sided "emotional" relationship together as a result.

It is not the first time we've had this discussion, by any means, and I'm sure it won't be the last. I don't expect miracles... I do believe in them and always find them to be a pleasant surprise but I do not expect them. I know this will take time but he needs to continue to put in effort to our relationship instead of getting comfortable. Men always seem to do that. Get comfortable. I suppose women do as well...

Women begin to not turn blush red if a little "toot" slips out... they leave their feminine hygiene products out, perhaps they even begin to tweeze their secret mustaches in front of their mate. It seems that the mystery and beauty regimes of a woman fades over time (and no wonder with what most of us put ourselves through each morning just to leave the house, lol). Men seem start out rather fond of their bodily noises so there's really no way for them to accomplish letting those habits worsen, but men seem to instead become emotionally comfortable; They stop buying flowers, they quit telling you how beautiful or attractive they find you. They quit making efforts to get to know you and to bond with you. They plateau emotionally when you've still got all those many years left of growing both together and as an individual and that simply leaves women, feeling abandoned.

Women continue to clean for them, to do their laundry, to cook their meals and for what? (Please do let me also note that YES I am aware that this is not a reflection of all cases, and I do not claim it to be. It IS a stereotype...sometimes.)

Yes, in turn you may be enlightened to the knowledge that a women's "toots" in fact do NOT smell like roses, but we learn that over time we are less desirable and less worth the effort for things that do not always come so naturally to men. The expectations of us do not change but the required maintenance lessens. Funny, machines sometimes have it better. The older a man's car, the more maintenance he puts into it, but the older his wife? ? ?

And I do apologize readers, for this blog. I know not all men treat their significant others this way, and I sincerely love men and find them truly wonderful people… I guess my frustration lies more so in myself right now that I have selected two men in a row to create and pursue a romantic life with, and neither has made a lasting effort for me. And frankly, that just saddens me a bit, so I suppose there is a bitterness to be sensed in my words... I suppose there is even reason for it.

I was feeling rejected by Samuel and left out of his emotions. Instead of silently suffering, as I believe my mother or even HER mother may have done, and I’m persistent in trying to bridge the communicational gaps in my relationships, I confronted him. I told him exactly how I felt, and what I needed from him. He left the room for nearly twenty minutes to think, and then returned, but before he closed his eyes he told me what had been bottling up inside him. Primarily it was his ex wife. He told me how he's angry and hurt by her. To fill you all in, he was married for ten years to a stay at home, spend happy wife who left him for another man... another MARRIED man. He expressed how he felt used and that for all the overtime and 80 hour weeks he worked to give her everything she wanted, he's upset that she betrayed him.

I held Samuel and I thanked him. While it is not easy for ANY of us to open up (yes, even I have problems with it, and I suppose that because of my own struggles with that, I do need to be more empathetic to other’s insecurities with revealing themselves) he over-came that difficulty to open up to me. He did it because he knew I felt bad about not being included with what was going on in that sensitive mind of his. He did it for me.

I thanked him again this morning, several times, before he left for work. While I know this process of sharing will take time and consistency, I want to be sure to nurture it in the meantime to build a level of trust I don't believe he's ever attained with another woman before. I will be open, I will be honest, and I will be tender...