Sometimes I Can Be SUCH A Girl...

So last night while laying next to John we started playfully throwing out ideas for Halloween costumes. (Yes, we do realize that the holiday is a ways off, but it’s a favorite of both of ours.) Continuing… he threw out the idea of accumulating a group of friends to all go as members of The Wizard of Oz. He said he’d be the Scarecrow, I’d be Dorothy, and we continued laughing through the list of plausible friends we knew of to take on the roles of the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, etc… Then I threw out that if there was another attractive woman in our group that we could even include the Good Witch character. (I was thinking along the lines of if one of his buddies had a date for the evening or spouse/girlfriend.) His nearly immediate suggestion? Linda- a woman he had begun spending time with and almost started dating before he met and began a relationship with me. (I ended up snatching him up first, you see. Lol.)

And about as quick as he was to throw out her name, (which in actuality I know he meant nothing by) I was as quick to feel a jealous pinch. Linda in fact, IS a very pretty woman, and friends with many of John’s friends, and John. She would be going to the annual Halloween party this year just as she had done in the past; she’s blonde so she would naturally look the part even… yet, in spite of all the previously listed justifications, I felt jealous… over a woman I’d never met, that really John never even went on a date with. Whaaa???!!!

I mean SERIOUSLY! That makes absolutely no sense. She’s not an ex, nothing uncomfortable has ever happened, I’ve never even met her; she’s just a friend of John’s that never did a dang thing wrong, and of course, neither did John.
I lay in bed last night reflecting in between John’s “less than gentle” snores. I couldn’t let it go. Not the initial jealousy- once I gave myself just 30 seconds to think about the actual situation, I wasn’t jealous, but I had to figure out why I was FEELING jealous. I sincerely believe myself to have good self esteem- not perfect, who realistically does-right? But I believe myself to have GOOD self esteem, nonetheless. I think I’m attractive, I take time to do things I enjoy; I know I’m intelligent, loyal and hard working. Sometimes I’m even funny… ba dum bum bum. (Insert drum retort that always follows a bad joke here.)

Do I think John would ever cheat on me? No, if I did, I wouldn’t be dating him and I know his character. He is a sincerely good person, and although not perfect, as again, none of us are, he is a person of honor and dignity, and I know that he respects both himself and I.

Am I worried that I’m not pretty enough for him, or not exciting enough? I think I fair all right in the looks department-imperfections and all, and I sing in a rock band, lol. Of course I’m not boring…

Then I got to digging a bit deeper emotionally. Do I have a fear of abandonment… do I have a fear of being unlovable?

And then it hit home…And this folks, may be the hardest blog I have written yet. It’s recently come up, several times, between some close friends whom truly know me, that I give off this “tough chick” vibe on my exterior. I honestly had been unaware of it, but after having them point it out, or agree to that summary after I brought it up to them, I’ve been more conscious of it. You see, underneath whatever thin shell of a “toughened” exterior I present myself to have, is a very sensitive person. It’s easy for me to empathize- not just sympathize, with others. I beat myself up if I don’t feel like I’m doing enough for others- even strangers. I pray for everyone in the world at night- not just my loved ones. I feel sad when I see road kill, wondering if the animal has any family that is missing them… I have anxiety almost constantly from my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- my hands sweat pretty much all the time so I hate shaking hands, lol. I can’t watch war movies because I feel so bad for the victims in the production-whether it’s a true story or not- that I always end up in tears. I’m afraid of the dark, and really hate sleeping alone because the "quiet" sounds just too vacant to be comforting in any sense of the word for me.

So I guess the “tough chick” exterior was a subconscious defense mechanism I developed over the years. While I AM fiercely strong, and very independent, I am likewise human, flawed and insecure as a result of my own emotional baggage. I’m just like you and every other person out there- not so very tough after all. And I guess last night added a bit more humility to my “tough chick” exterior… Because I learned that I am still affected by events of my childhood, my past love lives, and my own personal experiences.

I’m afraid of having someone I love leave because every time that’s happened, I’ve taken it personally I guess, lol. I’m afraid of loving someone that will end up no longer desiring me, and choosing someone else, because some small part of me wonders if anyone is capable of loving me forever, as the entire- somewhat flawed, and definitely imperfect- whole package that I am.

So, it would appear, dear readers, that I have some work to do, because I’m human after all. And that’s really not a bad thing because as bad or useless or unjustifiable as our insecurities may be, it’s still better to recognize them and begin addressing them than to let them continue to disillusion each of us as to what we are and aren’t worth. May we all begin to recognize our real self worth. :)