So Much New News

Well, it has been nearly six months since I've posted, and I honestly was surprised to find that I've had 13 views! Woo hoo! Lol.

Please don’t feel disregarded dear readers, however, over the past six months I’ve undergone a plethora of life altering changes, and of course I’ll seize this opportunity to fill you all in. My relationship with Samuel dissolved, first off. I am still involved with Brian, however, it’s becoming increasingly challenging for me to continue to do so.
Last Sunday, for example, I was supposed to pick up Brian after band practice. (FYI, I sing in a rock band) I had texted Samuel that I would be to their place by 2pm, and didn’t see Samuel’s response text until 1:30 when our practice ended a half hour early. It turns out Samuel decided to take Brian to a movie and wouldn’t be back to their home until 3-3:30pm. Since we broke up, I moved out of our shared dwelling, and now live roughly 45 minutes away from the little duplex. I had nothing to do for the two hours until they came back and I was frankly a bit upset that on the day I was supposed to see Brian, Samuel had to take him out to do something that would post pone my time with Brian. I felt like he disregarded any consideration for me by assuming that I’d sit and wait for two hours in my car somewhere because he made a last minute change.

In Samuel’s defense there have been times when I’ve let he and Brian down… life is very hectic and sometimes at the end of my days I lack energy to hardly even get home. As a result, I’ve had to post-pone or reschedule with Brian, and I beat myself up for it inside… so perhaps neither Samuel nor I is perfect, but I hope he realizes he is not the only adult TRYING here. It’s just been completely different since we’ve broken up…

Essentially, our relationship’s demise came down to my asking Samuel to journal for 15 minutes a day. I felt as though I had become his divorce guru and only confidant and it was putting so much pressure on me that I begged him to find an additional outlet. Also, I'd asked him to spend 15 minutes a day researching Brian’s conditions, as Brian had been having some problems in school. I felt so defeated after begging for these two things, for months, without having them be consistently met, that I ended our relationship. And REALLY the most disheartening thing is, neither request was to singularly benefit me, but to help him and his son and as a result, our relationship...

I’m sure Samuel didn’t avoid these things on purpose, but how can you grow with someone you can seemingly never reach?

Maybe it was my lack of communicational skills, or his lack of concentration, who knows, and maybe there is just no real blame to be placed. I am glad we are no longer seeing each other, and I do wish him well, I just also hope a better solution can be comprised so I can still be a part of Brian’s life. Sometimes I feel like we're stuck in this cloud of grey area with no lighthouse in sight with which to guide us out.

In addition to changes in my love life, the biggest change was that my pre-cancerous cells went away. Apparently my body fought the afflicted cells and upon discussing things further with my doctor, I really don’t have to be in QUITE as much of a rush to produce a child. I still WANT one of course, desperately, but there's no longer any rush. Hearing THAT news prompted me to begin pursuing my bachelor's, instead of just being satisfied with my Associate’s. So, I researched some four year schools, and degrees, got in touch with some advisors, submitted an application and currently await my acceptance letter. I should be starting next semester as a Junior with the transfer credits I’ve been told would be accepted. I am THRILLED at the idea of not having to rush my motherhood process, but getting to enjoy it, cherish it, and MAYBE even share it with someone, because now I also have been given some extra time with which to fall in love with the “right for me” man. I am additionally ecstatic by the prospect of having the time to pursue my education to the extent I’d always wanted to. I WILL HAVE A BACHELOR'S!!!!! (In about two years anyhow, lol.)

So, as for where I'm at now? I’m dating John, an older man that is an utter delight in my life in so many ways... Not that everything's perfect by any means, or that we haven’t found some "hot topics" over which to disagree, but the compliment, integrity, humor and willingness to work are all there on both of our parts.

I'm awaiting my official acceptance letter from my 4-year school of choice, thinking that, with or without a man, I will pick up my plans for motherhood once I have my degree in hand, and I promise to be better about blogging on here, as well as to keep it exciting. ;)

Soon.