Spring Gets Me Thinking...

What is it about spring time that gets me so reflective? It gets me thinking about just about everything and my head begins to swim in a pool of endless possibilities. I think about my career- am I really happy doing what I’m doing? Honestly, I feel a bit underutilized- I wish there was more I could be doing for my company, and also (because I still currently lack my degree) I'm not making the money I wish I was. However, I’m currently in school full time pursuing my Bachelor’s in Business so I can put that thought somewhat to rest, reasonably assured that I will graduate and find a more challenging position with comparable pay. I sincerely hope it will be within my current company that I’ve worked on and off at for several years now, but I find doubt in that hope. I think my needs, drive and desires will quickly exceed the benefits to my current employer and yet the thought of going elsewhere is a bit intimidating. What if I don’t like the people I work with or the hours…? I currently love the company and co-workers I have now- can anyone or anything else quite compare? Lol.

But, likewise, are those factors enough to deter me from taking the chance of TRYING for something (possibly) better? Sigh.

I think about my band. I’ve been with my current group for just over three years now and while I adore the four other members, the time commitments currently have me wondering if I can keep committing to them. (Currently we practice every weekend and try to play out as much as we can. I think a once a month show and twice a month practice is about as much as I can honestly handle right now... I wonder how the others will feel.)

I know too, in my heart, that I could always start up a two person acoustic something or other, and that would make it easier to practice, learn music, play or practice on a whim, etc, but would that be enough? Would I miss the full band, five piece sound and the rock music that could only be accomplished but such a group? Or would having weekends and a fair amount of weeknight time freed up be enough?

My living situation… Since Samuel and I broke up, I moved back home with my parents. Yes, I am 26, a bit defeated, and living at home, lol, but in the same sense, doing so has allowed me to pay off nearly all of my debts from my divorce, and the longer I stay there, the more money I’ll be able to save for my next choice in housing. However, is it worth it to live with my parents and be saving roughly a thousand dollars a month to trade in many of the freedoms I became so accustomed to by having my own place; by having my own house at one point even? Is it, likewise, worth it to spend roughly a thousand dollars a month in rent just to live alone or with a roommate I’d hope to cohabitate nicely with, at best? Should I spend the money on rent to have convenience today, or save it to someday afford my own place in which to nurture equity from?

Do I sacrifice today for what benefits tomorrow might bring, or "carpe diem" and figure out the rest later? Here in lies my confliction. By habit, I’ve always chosen the “sacrifice now” lifestyle but that hasn’t necessarily gotten me very far either. My divorce pretty much wiped out the majority of achievements I’d made. I’m no longer married, no house, the freedom with money is ALMOST back… could this perhaps be a sign that I need to change the method with which I live my life?

If I did indeed seize the day, what would I change? I’d finish school, offer my current company the opportunity to keep me and see what additional responsibilities I could take on, but be comfortable and CONFIDENT in exploring other options if we were no longer good fits for each other. I’d try to renegotiate my time commitments with my current band so that I had some additional free time to study. Currently, I work full time, go to school full time, am a committee member on one charity, working with yet ANOTHER charity, and I sing in the band... this in addition to seeing friends or John (the new squeeze, lol) leave me very little time to, well...? BREATHE almost, sometimes... and it stinks being so busy, and rushed, and TIRED all the time, but that almost starts me at a completely separate rant- the one about me being an overachieving, burning the candle at both ends- don't really NEED to drink coffee, but do just because I love it, type of individual. Lol.

Back to the topic at hand... I’d pay off the very last of my debt and stay long enough with my parents to get a small saving’s account going, but perhaps put a limit on my time there. Maybe even I should just say that by the end of this year I should plan to have enough money set aside to be out on my own- with or without a roommate.

And then I wonder even further in relation to my predicament, and I ask myself, am I really in such a different place than so many others in my generation? We seem to be a mix of spoiled brats with no work ethic, the rarely seen- fully developed- members that are out there succeeding to their full extent in the world and content with their lives, and then MY group… the one’s almost held in limbo by the fear of failure. Why is failure such a bad thing and why is my group so afraid of it? I mean, don't we grow and learn from failure? Isn’t failure a healthy part to our existence in that it can give us new opportunity, and humility? Is it because we watched our parents fail and vowed never to repeat their mistakes that we're afraid? Is it because our parents were too hard on us and we are secretly still burdened by the fear of letting them down? Do we carry excess baggage from our own, already made, poor choices (ahem, my ex husband), or are we afraid of the rejection that failure is often accompanied by?

I’ve been told “no, I’m sorry, it’s me- not you, it’s you- not me, this isn’t working, you’re not meeting expectations... etc.” so having heard the slew of let downs that I already have, why am I letting them stop me now? I survived, obviously… so they surely won’t kill me… lol. I guess my fear mostly lies in letting those I care about- that I’ve made a commitment to, down, and also by not being the best I can be. Ironic that it would appear I’m the only one holding myself back then, I suppose.

Interesting…