The Grey Zone

I love the fact that all I smell is spring in the air and the freshly brewed coffee that John made for me before work this morning. What an aromatic combination. I just got off the phone with an acupuncture clinic. Slight change in subject, I’m aware, lol.
To back track, I was diagnosed with the very over-categorized and vaguely descriptive disease called Fibromyalgia in 2006. While you can Google, or WebMD this to your satisfaction, for me this disease/name means the following:

1. Problems sleeping
2. Problems with my eyes being dry
3. “Fibro Fog” which is essentially when I get easily confused, turned around and forgetful. Concentration becomes difficult even, but I only experience this symptom on the especially bad days.
4. Wide spread pain across my entire body that is a mix of a burning feeling and stabbing pain.
5. Numbness and tingling in my arms, hands, legs and feet.
6. Constant hip and lower back pain
7. (Again, limited to the bad days) Difficulty finding the strength to perform simple motor functions such as raising my arms above my head to bathe or brush my hair.
8. Dizzy spells
9. Digestive problems that have set in more recently that, as a result, have had me lose 10 lbs from my normal weight.

Over the past four years I have visited my primary physician, a pain specialist, a muscular skeletal specialist, a chiropractor, an orthopedic surgeon and a neurologist. I had 4 MRI’s performed, steroid injections, a slew of blood work and x-rays… and all of the doctors gave me the same answer… "We don’t know what’s wrong with you specifically, so it’s probably Fibromyalgia." The MOST frustrating thing with this disease is that it’s not definitive. There’s no test for it except the process of elimination from all the other symptomatic diseases out there. Plus half the medical world doesn’t believe it exists because the symptoms vary from person to person and the list of symptoms is nearly as inclusive as a frat house is to college women. Everything’s free to join.

So, no one can tell me exactly why this started, how to treat it, and half the people in the world think I’m making it up, lol. Not a great place to be when you’re already in pain. But, nonetheless, I’ve continued to live with it. I go to work, and pursue my hobbies and social obligations… for the most part, my condition doesn’t interfere enough to stop me, but it is frustrating. Yesterday, for example, I woke up and was immediately stiff. I didn’t sleep well, and as I started getting ready for the day (mind you, MY getting ready is nothing exciting… we’re talking a shower, getting dressed, brushing my teeth and hair and slapping on some light make up) but I literally broke down into a sob of tears when bending over to grab my shampoo off the shower floor.

John was upstairs making coffee or taking care of the dogs and didn’t hear me, which was good as I’m not a fan of crying in front of people, but there it was. This stabbing, shooting pain and then the frustration of knowing it’ll come and go as it pleases and that nothing I do really seems to help and no one seems to have any viable solutions for me. I can take prescription doses of pain relievers that merely take the edge off… I can get massages that help short term and cost roughly $80 a pop… I’ve tried the anti-inflammatory medications, the muscle relaxers, even the anti depressants, but I’m not inflamed because I didn’t do anything to my body to cause it to be inflamed… Muscle relaxers are no long term solution unless I want to just lie in bed my whole life, unable to drive, and I’m not depressed, lol. It’s like treating an eating disorder with eye drops because no one can think of what else to do, lol.

So, I’m giving this place a shot. I’m giving holistic medicine, and acupuncture a chance because I frankly need one too. Some people tell me that Fibromyalgia doesn’t exist… maybe it’s those same people claiming that acupuncture is a bunch of bologna. And maybe it is, but I’ve decided it’s worth it to me to make up my own educated opinion on the matter.

And to those people out there that think Fibromyalgia is a made up disease... well, yes it’s true that too many things are being put into this one large category- I can even agree with that, but I know that when I wake up from a sound sleep wincing or even crying in pain, that I’m not making it up. I know that when I merely bend over to grab something or try to walk normally and I can’t because of the excruciating physical pain, I’m not making it up. I LOVE my active life- I love doing things and being independent and I HATE feeling limited to what my muscles and joints feel like doing that day. This is no cry for sympathy, woe is me story, or anything of the like; I have a great life and I’m blessed in SO many ways. I’m just asking people to acknowledge that maybe there are conditions out there we just don’t know enough about yet to have better solutions for. And until we do, to just be open to the possibilities.

There is so much more to life- than black or white… keep it loose child… keep it tight.